06 Jul Refusing to Drown
Luke 8:24 – 25 “The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!” He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. “Where is your faith?” he asked his disciples.”
As I write this week my foot is hurting due to straining it for the umpteenth time (thanks Dad for strapping it). It was already hurting but making chocolate brownies pushed it over the edge. On one hand I should have taken better care of my body, but on the other hand I feel close to tears as my body doesn’t pull through for me; reminding me of every short coming I have. Not just my Cerebral Palsy or Chronic Fatigue, but my body as a whole and my personality. Why do I have to be so short? (My younger brother towers above me) Why do I walk funny? And I think if I have to cart my walking frame around anymore I will scream. Why do some of my fears still linger, can’t I be fearless? Why do I have to be tired all the time? I would love to have heaps of energy, just imagine it. Sometimes life feels like it is holding me under the waves until I come up gasping for air.
In these moments reality stings with such intensity. Tears help soothe my heart as I cry out to Jesus why, why me? You know I have never gotten an answer as to why but I have felt His presence and goodness no matter the strength of the waves. I may struggle with the fact that I am the shortie of my family but by being short and light helped (and still does) my parents take care of me, especially after multi – level surgeries and as they getter older. It makes me cringe when I see myself walk, so much so I am trying to convince my Dad to carry me in his arms down the aisle the day I get married (future planning ;)). But it would hurt me more to be confined to a wheelchair losing the precious freedoms I enjoy, like feeling the sand between my toes myself. I may still battle with some of my fears, but it is some not all; and for the record everyone is afraid of something. I wish I wasn’t tired all the time (must be awesome to not feel tired soon after, or some days even as, you get out of bed). Thankfully it is not as bad as it used to be and that it is on a plateau most of the time (not great highs and great lows).
When I have tough days my dreams are on shaky ground. I shudder at the thought of my future husband reading my blog and gaining the wrong idea about me; that I would be too hard to marry and have children with, let alone any adventures. When the limitations are all I see, traveling seems impossible. I don’t want to let my circumstances have the final say on my life, my dreams or how I view Jesus. I may not know why but Jesus fills me with peace that He does. Life may hurt at times but Jesus is there wiping each tear that falls and easing my pain giving me strength for the present and hope for the future. I don’t know what you are facing maybe it is too painful to pray or read the Bible. I want to encourage you to cling to Jesus, who, no matter the height of the waves refuses to let you drown.