Isaiah 41: 11 – 14 “All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob, O little Israel, for I myself will help you,” declares the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.
Often when I blog or post quotes on Dandelion Dust & Honey’s Facebook page reading them provides a source of encouragement for me although I give them to you. For a couple of weeks I have been struggling with doubt and unbelief not only for the promises I have received yet to be fulfilled but also for my friend Jesus. I questioned whether my promises would even come true or even if Jesus was real. As soon as that seed was planted it began to invade my very being; my thoughts, my actions and my heart. I continued to talk to Jesus and Him with me but I couldn’t shake this cold feeling of doubt and unbelief. I felt very afraid I hadn’t experienced an accusing voice in my head picking at the thing that means the most to me – my relationship with Jesus. In a sneering voice it would taunt me ‘why do you believe what you believe?’ ‘what if Jesus isn’t real, I mean you can’t see Him so how can you be sure?’ ‘none of your promises will come true they are just too impossible’ and so it would continue.
I knew one thing for sure I didn’t want to lose Jesus; He is my friend, my one consistent through thick and thin. I knew in my heart I wanted to fight for my relationship with Jesus despite being disadvantaged due to struggling with disbelief and doubt. I was reading in the Bible about the faith of the Centurion (Luke 7: 1 – 10) and how the Centurion believed in Jesus’ power before he got the miracle he hoped for – the healing of his sick servant. I talked to Jesus and said “I want faith like that Lord, to believe you before I get what I hope for. To trust in who you are, in your power and faithfulness. Please help me to have faith like the Centurion.”
My heart finds it easier to believe once again as Jesus showed me this:
It is dark and the moonlight doesn’t give adequate lighting but merely highlights eerie shadows. This time I am a small child clinging to Jesus’ robe as we walk in the dark. Jesus is a light in the dark glowing like a child’s night light. He walks purposefully despite the darkness. I am terrified as I sense monsters are lurking in the shadows wanting to harm me and separate me from Jesus. I begin to cry burying my face into Jesus’ robe feeling very afraid. Jesus stops momentarily and picks me up, His distressed child, and holds me close whispering against my hair “sh my darling it is alright, I am here, you are alright.” Gently rocking me as He speaks in a calm, confident and reassuring voice. The tears stop but I don’t want to let go I feel safe within Jesus’ arms despite the darkness around us. Jesus does not insist I walk but continues to hold me close and I cling to Him. Jesus continues to walk purposefully on our way as He Himself illuminates our path and we journey into the night.
Yet my head still struggled as it fought against the accusing, sneering voice that would not be silenced. I went to church but didn’t want to show the true extent to which I was struggling. On Sunday my pastor spoke about accusing, sneering voices and the power of praying in Jesus name. I also talked to a friend that said Jesus did want to talk to us on a regular basis. Now if only I could trust Jesus’ voice with all my heart and silence the critic who would love to destroy my relationship with Jesus.
That night I prayed in Jesus name and again in the morning and both times doubt and unbelief disappeared and the evil one fled. I believed that Jesus was for real as I couldn’t have done it without Him. These are a few sentences I repeated out loud:
In Jesus name I am a child of God
Jesus is mine and I am His
His promises will come true for He is faithful to His promises
Nothing can separate me from Jesus
I choose to believe in Jesus. I love Jesus. He has helped me through a whole lot
Evil one in the name of Jesus get out of my head, get out of my being and leave me alone
Without Jesus I couldn’t have won the battle for our relationship. I am reminded of my other instances throughout my life where Jesus has revealed Himself to me confirming His realness. I will share a few with you now.
In Marco Polo I wrote about how I had a terrible panic attack and my fears were crippling me to the point of suicide. I considered suiciding. Deep breathing wasn’t working, positive thoughts proved useless, I felt too paralysed by fear to go for a walk. Every technique I had been given wasn’t helping at all as the situation escalated out of control. My only solution left other than suiciding was to cry out to Jesus for help, for Him to rescue me. And Jesus showed up in the storm and carried me through and then quietened the storm so the fears lost their power and living was once again an enjoyable option, a hopeful one.
When I was a young child I was cross – eyed in two different directions (talented I know). The eye doctor said I would need two eye surgeries to correct the problems. My parents prayed for Jesus to intervene. When I went back to the eye doctor one of the directions was healed as a result I only needed one surgery. Without Jesus’ healing power I had no other option but to have the two surgeries.
In Beautiful Scars I shared how I prayed for healing so I could walk. Over and over I asked Jesus “please let me walk.” Jesus answered my request by doing the impossible. For my type and severity of Cerebral Palsy doctors told us, me and my parents, that I only had one option to end up in a wheelchair due to muscles not being able to keep up with growth (muscles become too tight). There were no other options. Jesus decided to show His power and realness by creating a previously non – existent option. To allow me to continue walking with a walking frame. Every day I have a tangible example of Jesus’ realness in my life.
I want to encourage you that Jesus is very real and loves you very much. He delights to take care of you and show His presence in your everyday life. Don’t pass things off as coincidence like a beautiful sunny day or that dress you wanted was on sale; these moments big and small shine Jesus’ love for you and His realness. Whatever storm you are facing Jesus will help you. Jesus was hurt I doubted Him and didn’t believe Him but that didn’t stop Jesus loving me and reassuring me of Himself again. Jesus is willing to do the same for you. Will you let Him?