The Flickering Flame

Sometimes life really hurts. In moments like these it reopens wounds that had started to heal. Emotions are on edge as anger and sadness take turns in being the most dominant emotion. Once hopeful and optimistic to losing hope fast and feeling trapped. Knowing deep down that I am lovable but wondering how that can be. When my belief and trust in Jesus is down to all but a flickering flame that I consider walking away from my source of peace, hope and joy. Darker still, wondering for a fleeting moment if I should end it all… the hateful voice in my head saying none of your dreams have come true and who would want you in their lives anyway.

If I have learnt anything in my battle against fear, worry, anxiety and stress it is that no matter how loud the negative internal dialogue gets (I can have it screaming at me) it does NOT speak the truth. It is not truth that none of my dreams have come true. I have made friends no matter where I am and I completed a university degree; both are dreams and desires I had and they have come true. It is in the dark moments that negative internal dialogue likes to remind me of my weaknesses, limitations, broken dreams and dreams and desires yet to be fulfilled. It hits hard and hurts deeply. It feels like I am hanging onto the side of a cliff by my fingertips with raging waters beneath me. A monster is smashing my fingers with its spiky foot making me scream out in pain. Jesus is there kneeling over the cliff and reaching out His hand saying ‘let me help you’. After a few moments of weighing up my options I take Jesus’ hand.

So here I am choosing to rebuild our relationship again. To discover the trust and closeness Jesus and I shared that seems but a distant memory. My Mum is helping me, because it has gotten to the point where I am scared of reading the Bible because it has created distance between me and Jesus through my doubt. I can’t say the distance between us is a result of the dreams I have not being fulfilled yet. But of something deeper that even if I got everything I desired right this minute it would provide a band aid solution for a while but ultimately my head and heart would still struggle. Time to light the fire from scratch and search for Jesus anew. I am a little worried that Jesus wants to hit me with the sticks because it is I who wanted to walk away. But in months gone by He has reassured me that He truly loves me. I hold onto that. Jesus will help me rebuild our relationship stick by stick until it is a huge bonfire. Together we will emerge from the desert stronger.

Psalm 61:1 – 4 “Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call to you as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent for ever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.”

I don’t know why I have Cerebral Palsy and no one else in my family does (a fact I am very thankful for). I don’t know why I have Chronic Fatigue yet others that go through similar experiences and leave with their energy still intact. I don’t know why life sometimes threatens to break us. I don’t have the answers. But I do know your life matters. You have a purpose for being here and Jesus loves you very much. Hold on tight to Jesus He will never let you go.

Love,

Cathryn

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